Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. 
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? 
A: Keep it in the cow. 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A: Premature death. 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) 
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. 

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section” 
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. 

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’ 
A: Benign is what you will be after you are eight.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery 
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? 
Hand me that . . thingie.
What’s this doing here? 
Well this will be an experiment for all of us. 
This is truly a freak of nature. 
What do you mean, “You want a divorce”!

 Kids’ Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.  She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you…  mess it up.
Strike while the…  bug is close.
It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of…  termites.
Don’t bite the hand that…  looks dirty.
No news is…  impossible
You can’t teach an old dog new…  math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…  stink in the morning.
Love all, trust…  me.
An idle mind is…  the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s…  pollution.
Happy the bride who…  gets all the presents!
A penny saved is…  not much.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…  you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not…  spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed…  get new batteries.
You get out of something what you…  see pictured on the box.
There is no fool like… Aunt Eddie.

Health
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Investing
“Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.” - Will Rogers

Honesty is the Best Policy
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen. - Homer Simpson

Kids Praying
“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”
Dear GOD, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. 
“Give us this day our deli bread! 
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.”
“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.”
“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”
Dear GOD,  instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now?

Commuting
Is everyone going slower than you an idiot and anyone going faster a maniac? Relax!

The Law
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are the things people actually said in court, taken down and now published by court reporters.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 
Accused, Defending His Own Case:
Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?

Food
Archie Bunker, when he refused to eat tongue for dinner. “I would never eat anything that came out of an animal’s mouth. Edith, boil me a couple of eggs!”
- All in the Family

Goofy
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where is the ceiling?”

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

Kid Talk
Two kids were looking at bathroom scales. “What’s it for?” one asked.  “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad.”

0h Susanna, 0h don’t you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!

“What’s your name little boy?” “Connor.” “Your full name?” “Conner stop that” 

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six year old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”  “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.  “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.  The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite these people to dinner?” 

My son Tommy got very angry when he was 3 years old and I offered him a grilled cheese sandwich. He yelled ‘I don’t want a girl cheese sandwich, mommy, I’m a boy!! I need a boy cheese sandwich!’ - submitted by Lee Lachance

Attitude
Don’t be too disappointed. - If people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s going to stop them. - Yogi Berra 

What is?
What is yellow, weighs 800 pounds, and has 4 legs? 
Two  400 pound canaries!

For us seniors only!
Not Kids Anymore, when . . .
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Happy hour is a nap.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

More . . .
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. I’ve fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

The squirrel with a positive attitude
This is cute, not funny, but uplifting and a good example of Helen Keller type attitude. One day I watched a bushy tailed squirrel from my fourth story White Rock condo. It scooted and hopped along the telephone cable from pole to pole to pole. A few days later I caught it in action again. Then a few weeks went by and no squirrel. Had some misfortune come to the little one? 

Then it appeared and busily worked it’s way along the cable, thirty feet off the ground. It’s energy and determination had not changed, but it’s appearance had. It had no tail!